Infertility

I don’t know that anyone can understand.
We’ve loved each other to its end.
Together we’ve saved and built a solid foundation,
and openly awaited what we truly deserved.

In our eyes, we deserved.
Who better to raise the future?
Financially sound, mature,
a mixture of solid upbringings.
Learning from the lessons of others.
Talking, always talking.

And planning.

The day will come.
It was a game at first.
Shedding chemicals, condoms and cares.
We are ready, we deserve….
In our eyes.

Month after month our expectations were shattered.
Can you believe that which we feared as young adults,
Mocks us now?

We would make jokes behind short tempers.
Both silently taking blame.
Wondering how this could be and why this is happening to us.
Remember, we deserve.

This game became a ritual.
Its time!
Hurry up!
…(This is crazy!)

Would my friends have believed,
In their wildest locker room fantasies,
That I don’t want sex, sometimes can’t even fathom it?
It turns my nose!

It has become a job.

This person that I am soulfully connected to,
That I fit perfectly with,
That has curled my mind with pleasure,
Has become a chore.
(What kind of cruel joke is this?)

Don’t worry relax, take a vacation!
Great advise…….assholes!
Not another one of your stories,
Your sympathies.
If you tell me once more how it took you eight months, I’ll
…strangle you!
…scream!
…jump off a building!

So we keep it to ourselves,
And we struggle.
Appointments, prodding,
Questions no one should ask.
But most of all skepticism.

My mother says, “Have faith in God.”
God, what a concept…
Or a joke?
What god is this?
The same who allows children to be born into
…poverty
…abuse
…certain death?
Or the God that month after month ignores our pleas?

Could it be that God knows we need this test?
That God answers prayers not in your way, but his?
He forged our desire, commitment and pain.
His way.
Making us who we are and leading us to his path.

I deserved.
I was ready.
I planned.
In all of that I forgot who was in charge…

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